Just sit right back
And you’ll hear a tale,
A tale of spending abuse,
That started from a state off-ice,
With a boat that had no use.
The Game and Fish, yeah they had boats,
All of them could float,
But John went out and then he bought,
A 22 K boat,
A 22 K boat.
In this episode, we will take a look at the items purchased for “carrying out the purpose for which the boat was intended.” For anyone who has forgotten, that purpose was to fill “the need for independent and quick responses” to complaints about debris in waterways. Better get ‘er stocked up!
Gilligan: Yeah skipper?
Skipper: Go to WalMart and BassPro and get everything we need to set sail!
Gilligan: Aye Aye, Captain!
Now what to get…and how many? Well there’s the first mate, and the skipper too… the debris examiner, and…hmmm. Well safety first, right? Everyone will need a life jacket. How about this one? “The Hydrostatic Inflator Technology offers reliable inflation in a low maintenance design that will only automatically inflate when submerged in 4 or more inches of water and not inadvertently due to rain, spray or humidity. Made for the most severe marine environments the Deluxe Inflatable PFD with Innovation Award H.I.T.™ will meet the challenges of the most demanding users.”[footnote]six…SIX TIMES. In four years…SMDH[/footnote]
Oh. Hell. Yes. Everyone needs an automatic inflating PFD, right??? And for only $249.99? A bargain at any price – today and today only! TWO PLEASE! Question: if you slip and fall in say, 6 inches of water, and that PFD deploys, can you put the genie back in the bottle, or is this just a $250 one-off flotation device?
The boat can accommodate like 4-5 people, so grab a few more cheap($45 – $65) life vests for the “regular” people.
When you are out on the water with the wind in your face, you don’t want to get cold, and you sure as HELL don’t want any debris to smell you approaching. Without a doubt, you need the Under Armour ColdGear Scent Control Infrared Hood for $49.95! TWO PLEASE! You better get some gloves and warm pants as well! And since you are going to be on the water, you definitely need some boots. Size 10 and Size 12 should do for the crew (of how many?).
OH!! AND THESE! YES!!! YOUTH size shooting glasses!!! GIMME THREE OF THOSE!!!
Ok, that’s everything we need to wear, right?
So to recap, the two primary crew members will be decked out like this:
WOOOOO DOGGIE! Now that’s SLICK![footnote]Do not be alarmed. Yes, that man’s navel is pretty much centered above his thigh. The magic of photoshop has its limitations when attaching display pants to a forward facing torso.[/footnote] I mean, can you imagine this guy being undercover and then just flat out flailing through the shallows and charging the debris?[footnote]Stu can. Careful! He’s got a gun![/footnote] The debris would never see him coming!
A picture is worth a thousand words… So here’s another one we can discuss:
This is not everything purchased. In fact, most of the other stuff not pictured is stuff you would need on a boat, like an anchor, a couple of paddles, a throw float, and of course a tow kit for one of the COSL trucks to pull the boat. But these are some of the more curious things. They bought two flashlights, and a Marine Blue Q Beam Halogen Rechargeable Spotlight “with glare-free, blue-tinted glass lens to cut through fog, glass or rain”. Now maybe they missed that they had ordered up the boat with a Q-Beam as well, or perhaps they were going to have Q-Beam light wars. Who knows, but they’ve got plenty of lights for finding debris in the dark now. And a flare gun. OH WAIT!!! THAT must be what the three pair of youth size shooting glasses are for! But…it has four shots…and there are only three pair of glasses. Man, talk about a conundrum!
They also bought a fine set of wrenches and a multipurpose driver with every kind of head imaginable, which begs the question, why did they buy two separate screwdrivers in addition to that?[footnote]That seems a little screwy.[/footnote] And they bought separate pliers. Why not buy a single tool kit with everything you need in it instead of having several loose tools floating around? Maybe even buy a marine toolkit, which would have all the tools you were likely to need on a boat, instead of this piece-meal tool setup? But I digress.
As you may or may not know, a trolling motor runs on a battery, so they also bought a plugin battery charger for $60. BUT – about a year later, they decided they needed an onboard charger. That set the state back a cool $812.61 for the parts and installation. Trolling, trolling, trolling…[footnote]Why, yes…yes I am.[/footnote]
Then there’s the 6 ton bottle jack…
A 6 ton bottle of Jack would have made more sense to me. Nonetheless, I’ve put a lot of thought into this one. At first I thought maybe they could use it to jack up some debris, but then…no…it’s not waterproof, so no jackin’ in the water. Maybe it’s if something breaks in the boat. That doesn’t make any sense either. Definitely no jackin’ in the boat. It has to be for the trailer. You know, in case it gets a flat at the same time the truck pulling it (which also has a jack) gets a flat. It would obviously need its own jack so the trailer tire and the truck tire could be changed simultaneously to expedite the arrival of the Debris Response Team (DRT).
Six times. Did I mention six times?
Six. That’s how many debris sites Commissioner Thurston said they had gone out on. That’s about $5,000 per site so far. Also, just doing the math, the boat has a 16 gallon tank, and in four years, they have bought 64.87 gallons of gas, meaning they’ve used 4 tanks of gas in 4 years.
Your tax dollars at work!
Tune in next time to see how this highly trained DRT springs into action!
So this is the tale of our Commissioner,
He’s been here a long long time.
He’s running for a new off-ice
But isn’t qualified…