Hey, Johnny, what did that Mexican mean by “a sick horse is going to get us”?

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You laugh, but Jon Hubbard will fight to the death to protect you from this menace.

Today was the deadline for filing bills and resolutions for consideration during the 88th General Assembly’s regular session.  All told, there were 529 filings Monday (h/t @TolbertReport), bringing the total number of filings in 2011 to 2,358 (h/t LobbyUp).

Prior to today, freshman Rep. Jon Hubbard (R-75, Jonesboro) had been the primary sponsor on exactly one bill — HB 1292, the ill-fated attempt to prevent illegal immigrants from getting any state services.  As today’s deadline approached, Hubbard apparently had a change of heart and decided to sponsor nine last-minute bills.

Let’s take a look at the changes Rep. Hubbard hopes to make to the state gub’mint.

HB2006 CREATING A CRIMINAL STATUTE INVOLVING THE TRANSPORTATION AND HARBORING OF ILLEGAL ALIENS, THE ENFORCEMENT OF THE LAW CREATING THAT CRIME, AND CREATION OF A CIVIL ACTION.

How much does Rep. Hubbard hate Mexicans? Enough to (a) make it a Class D felony to “transport” an illegal alien without defining transport to mean something less than “gave the guy a ride to Kroger,” (b) try to enact a “Papers please” law like the one proposed in Arizona last year, and (c) allow Arkansans to sue state officers/agencies if the citizen thinks the officer/agency is hindering the application of federal immigration laws. But, hey

HB2007 TO REQUIRE THE WRITTEN EXAMINATION FOR A DRIVER’S LICENSE TO BE ADMINISTERED IN ENGLISH ONLY.

Hubbard is also so hard-hearted that he wants to make sure no non-English speakers can drive.  He doesn’t even care that illegal aliens are already not allowed to get a driver’s license; Rep. Hubbard doesn’t want legal immigrants to be able to get a license if they don’t speaka de English.  Here legally and kind of need a job so you can support your family while you learn English in your free time?  Better hope that job is within walking distance or near a bus route, I guess.

HB2008 TO REQUIRE A MOTOR VEHICLE TO BE IMPOUNDED IF THE DRIVER AND THE VEHICLE ARE IN VIOLATION OF THE MINIMUM LIABILITY INSURANCE REQUIREMENTS.

Currently, if you fail to carry the minimum required insurance amounts, a police officer is supposed to remove and impound your license plate and require you to show adequate insurance to get your plate back.  Rep. Hubbard thinks that plan isn’t in keeping with his preference for reactionary, overzealous laws, so he wants your entire vehicle impounded.  How will you get home?  He doesn’t care.  How will you get to the impound lot to get your car back?  Not his problem.

HB2009 THE ARKANSAS LEGAL WORKER’S ACT.

Did you think he was done fighting the Brown Menace?  Don’t be ridiculous.

HB2010 TO REQUIRE THE DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION TO CONSIDER FACTORS IN ADDITION TO AVERAGE DAILY MEMBERSHIP BEFORE FORCING THE CONSOLIDATION OR ANNEXATION OF A PUBLIC SCHOOL DISTRICT.

After Lakeview Sch. Dist. No. 25 v. Huckabee, the Arkansas General Assembly passed HB 1109 (2003), which required consolidation of schools when enrollment fell below 350 students.  The legislature found that this was necessary to meet the mandate of Lakeview, and the 350-student threshold has been upheld under rational-basis review in federal court.

Rep. Hubbard is disheartened by this, so he’s more than willing to reopen the entire Lakeview can of worms.  Now THAT’S what I call legislatin’.

HB2011 TO PROVIDE ONE-HALF OF PER-STUDENT FUNDING TO A RESIDENT SCHOOL DISTRICT FOR A STUDENT WHO IS A HOME-SCHOOLED STUDENT OR IS ENROLLED IN A PRIVATE ELEMENTARY OR SECONDARY SCHOOL AND ONE-HALF TO THE STUDENT.

Re-read that.  Think about it for a second.  Recognize the myriad legal and practical problems inherent therein.

Move on.

HB2012 TO AMEND THE AUTHORITY FOR MAKING DESEGREGATION EXPENSE DISBURSEMENTS TO A SCHOOL DISTRICT UNDER COURT-ORDERED DESEGREGATION.

I… I actually have no problem with this bill.  It puts a temporal requirement on schools meeting goals, more clearly defines and delineates some of the relevant terms and rules, and generally seems ok.  I question the limitation that money only be paid in years “in which funding for desegregation expense disbursements is appropriated and available,” but I don’t think that will actually be an issue in practice.  (I could easily be wrong on this last point, I suppose.)

HB2019 TO PROVIDE THAT STATE PUBLICATIONS SHALL BE PREPARED EXCLUSIVELY IN ENGLISH.

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, Rep. Hubbard really, really, REALLY hates Spanish and anyone who speaks it.  It is the most pressing issue facing Arkansas today, and bills like this are the only way to strike at the heart of the matter.

Hell, it’s a little-known fact that Spanish subtitles directly contributed to Charlie Sheen’s meltdown.

Not sure, but I think that translates as, "I'm 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer -- I believe in numbers. I'm not going 0 for 4. I'm not wearing a golden sombrero." (Oh, crap, he said "sombrero"!)

HB2020 REQUIRING A CANDIDATE FOR PUBLIC OFFICE TO PROVIDE EVIDENCE OF HIS OR HER QUALIFICATIONS FOR THE OFFICE.

Just to round out his day of hating Mexicans, trying to get people who don’t hate Mexicans arrested, and hoping to impound your car and leave you on the side of the highway, Rep. Hubbard figured he’d channel his inner Orly Taitz and file a birther bill.  In addition to dictating what state-level candidates have to establish to be on the ballot, HB 2020 even purports to dictate what a federal candidate for office must do.  Well played, Rep. Hubbard; if you’re gonna be a bear, be a grizzly, ya know?

I would like to extend a hearty thanks to the people of Jonesboro for electing Jon Hubbard.  Reading his list of bills, I can’t help but wonder what we would do if Hubbard hadn’t been elected.

I assume the answer is “waste slightly less time,” but you can never be sure on these things.