Adventures in Idiocy: Worst Letters to the Editor from the Holiday Weekend (Pt. 4 of 4)

44

Singing baritone for our D-G-weekend-letter quartet is this missive from Julia Randle of Jacksonville, AR.

Everything that had lips had something to say about Michael Vick.

Which you would all know if you were tuned in to the random opinions of bonobos, capuchins, and Wayne Coyne.

Everyone deserves a second chance. Jesus was given a second chance.

Uh, what?  I don’t think execution, no matter what your end destination, counts as a “second chance” in ANYONE’S book.

If it was left up to Satan, he would not have gotten a second chance. With God being in charge, he will give all his children a second chance.

*sigh*

I have never watched a Razorback game. I am not from Arkansas. College football does not interest me.

I have never watched Twilight.  I am not from … wherever … um … the people in Twilight are from.  Vampires do not interest me.  (P.S. The Razorbacks play sports other than football.  Just fyi.)

There are football players doing drugs and raping.

In the Razorback program?  If so, whom.  If not, why mention the program?  Actually, scratch all of that; name the players to whom you are referring.  G’head…I’ll wait.

Their cases are swept under the rug.

Riiiiiight.  Because things that athletes do, even in Arkansas, are not all over the front page.

Everyone knows why.

Because it’s a fiction you’ve created?  Got it.

Since I have been in Arkansas, there have been horses dragged behind trucks, dogs killed and hoarding of animals.

So…it’s your fault?  I’m lost.

What America needs to worry about are the sickos running around shooting innocent people, including children.

Oh no! I see one now!

No…wait.  That’s just my ottoman.  Carry on.

America cannot talk about another country with guns and killings.

Vely tlue, Amelica!

We have pedophiles moving next to schools in neighborhoods where children live.

Donde?

No, really, point to some people who have sex with children who are moving next to schools in neighborhoods where children live, because I’m not buying this idea.

They snatch the children, rape them and murder them.

I don’t say this lightly, but you’ve clearly lost your mind.  I mean, you think that pedophiles are moving next door to schools, grabbing kids, raping them, murdering them, AND GOING UNDETECTED.  You’re insane.

I am so sorry, folks, these aren’t four legged animals.

The kids or the pedophiles?  Because this kid is clearly four-legged:

I apologize for a lack of photos of pedophile goats.

Vick paid his dues. What about the others?

The other goats?

God does not care if you are white, red, brown or black.

I guess he hates Asians?

You will pay.

/logs on to internet banking

Satan cares a lot about his people, the politicians.

I knew it.

God does not care about sin.

For real?!

/makes plans to attend Carnival

Birds falling from the sky, fish dying, hurricanes and tornadoes are things that God is warning people with for being so hateful.

Let me see if I am following correctly:

1. Everything with lips had an opinion on Mike Vick.

2. Razorback football players do not interest you, but they do possibly do drugs and rape people.

3. Pedophiles, who may or may not be former Razorbacks, are moving next to schools so that they can rape and murder kids.

4. God doesn’t care what color you are, nor does he care about sin, but he will totally kill some fish and birds if you elect politicians.

That about it?