Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Guest Post: An Economic Allegory, by BFD

Husband: Hi, honey, I’m … whoa! You look terrible.  Tell your Big Daddy all about it.

Wife: I’ve only been this sick a couple of times, but not since the 1930s have I been this bad. 17%* of me isn’t working at all…

Husband: What about your uterus? I own that, you know.

Wife: … my uterus?  Well, it’s fine, I guess.  But a lot of me just isn’t working at all.

Husband: Well, first of all, we’ll quit trying to fix you. From now on, no more spending money trying to get you better.  That 17% of you not working? Well, tough for those parts.  All I care about is your uterus, anyway.

Wife: You’re going to stop spending money to make me feel better??

Husband: It’s time to get serious about this problem. We need to be austere and tighten our belts. The best way to cure you is to spend no more, not another dime. Otherwise, we might run into a deficit, and we can’t have that.

Wife: But you spend all our money buying guns and giving gifts and handouts to your rich friends!  If I don’t earn money, we don’t pay the bills.

Husband: Little one, you just don’t understand.  The best way for us to be better off is for me to do these things.  If I give to the rich, it trickles back down to us.

Wife: 17% of me doesn’t even work! Are those parts just going to get better by themselves?

Husband: Of course they will. They just need to WANT to work and not be lazy. If we spend money fixing up the less important parts of you (like your brain), then the rest of your body will think it’s OK to be lazy, too, and we’ll need to spend money to fix them.

Wife: What??? You don’t want to spend money to fix me because you think the parts just don’t want to work and they’re lazy? And we shouldn’t spend money to fix them?   This is nonsense.  Where do you learn such idiocy?

Husband: Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck.

Wife: ***blank stare***

Husband: It’s very obvious you don’t understand, so let Big Daddy spell it out for you.  Sarah and Glenn are Real Americans.

Wife: Shouldn’t we go to a doctor?  Somebody who’s actually been trained to deal with a situation like this?

Husband: Oh, honey.  Oh, dear.  Doctors are elitist.  All their book-learning isn’t going to help.  We need Real Americans to tell us what to do.  They know better than anybody.

Wife: So, if they economy were in shambles, you wouldn’t listen to economists?  Because they’re elitist?  Is that what you’re telling me?

Husband: Exactly.  Now you’re getting it.

Wife: But I need help now!  I just keep getting worse.  Please take me to a doctor.

Husband: Sweetheart, you really don’t understand.  Sure, we could go to a doctor and make you better, but your parts that aren’t working?  They just have it too easy, not doing anything and all.  Your arm on the floor?  It’s obvious it just wants a hand-out.

Wife: But I want to work!  And you know I’ve got a fantastic work ethic!

Husband: Honey, that’s not true and you know it. Now, shut up and go make me a sammich.  That’s all you’re good for, anyway.

* Includes both un- AND under-employed

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