Thursday, September 29, 2022

Rapert Uses Gun Control To Defeat AR-15 And Reach Foolish Four

The true Cinderella of this tournament, without a doubt, has been the AR-15, which knocked off noted ammosexuals French Hill, Bob Ballinger, and Alan Clark in its march to the Elite Eight. All three of those wins came in large part because the opponents were politically and morally incapable of playing any kind of defense that would limit the AR-15’s right to be everywhere and do everything it wanted on the court.

So it was that a ton of money came in from people betting on the AR-15 to upset Rapert as well, mainly because Rapert is nothing if not the kind of gun-stroking douchenozzle that Tweets about how there are guns all over his house and how he once considered shooting someone in a Lowe’s parking lot just for asking Rapert a question.

What the people betting on the AR-15 did not consider, however, is that — above everything else — Jason Rapert is first and foremost a self-aggrandizing opportunist who never met a deeply held belief that he wouldn’t completely ignore when it was politically expedient. Unlike the AR’s first three opponents, Rapert came out ready to play. His strategy was obvious from the start: rattle the AR to get it off its game, which (we assume) is why Rapert played the entire game wearing nothing but a Kevlar jockstrap.

On offense, Rapert turned to his tried-and-true approach of making police reports against anyone or anything that upsets his tiny widdle ego. Despite being told multiple times that his being butthurt is not a criminal offense, Rapert continued this approach until the AR, visibly annoyed, stopped putting up much of a fight. By the time the game was over, Rapert was victorious, the fans who remained were horrified by Rapert’s outfit, and the AR-15 was out of the tourney.

AR-15 had a good attitude following the game, though, telling our sideline reporter, “Yeah, I’m a little disappointed that I’m out of the tournament, but I’ve heard that Charlie Collins is going to try to get me in every kindergarten and daycare in the state, so I still have a lot going for me.”

Rapert had no post-game quotes because no one wants to talk to him any more than they absolutely have to.

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