Wednesday, May 18, 2022

Rapert Ousts Huckabee From Tournament in Holy War

Writing about State Sen. Stanley Jason Rapert (R-Jerry Cox’s Panty Drawer), a wise man once said:

“Depending on the day, he may show up as a fiddle player, a flouter of campaign-finance laws (repeatedly), obliquely racist, a proselytizer of the highest order, a bigot who would attack anyone who doesn’t subscribe to his world view, vehemently anti-Muslim and anti-woman, fully bent over in service of the oil industry, a pompous ass who is willing to turn his back on any constituent who doesn’t blindly support him, neither a doctor nor a scientist, a huge proponent of unconstitutional bills that accomplish nothing, and completely disingenuous about his level of transparency when pressed on an issue.” We later added “jingoistic fool” to the list based on his asinine statements about “tactical nukes.”

Well, apparently we need to add “clutch basketball player” to that list as well, mainly since Rapert seems like the type of anti-logic moron who would believe that “clutch” was more than just the fetishization of small sample sizes.

ANYWAY, matched up against Mike Huckabee (R-Florida), Rapert quickly exposed Huckabee’s game for the outdated, uninteresting, cringe-worthy pile of garbage that it has been for the last decade or more. The only interesting part of this game was Huckabee’s inane attempts at trash talk in the second half, when the game was already out of reach for him, and Rapert’s equally dumb rejoinders.

Huckabee: “Good thing we’re not in a Lowe’s parking lot, or else you wouldn’t be able to shoot.”

Rapert: “Your son killed a dog and your wife dresses like a woman dressing like a man dressing like a woman.”

Huckabee: “Did you lift that line from David Sedaris?”

Rapert: “What? No! I…I don’t even know who that is!”

Huckabee: “I’m pretty sure you did, just like I’m pretty sure your jumper would make Chuck Schumer cry.”

Rapert: “You’re a liberal liar.”

This absurd back-and-forth continued for some time, with neither player even trying to shoot, eventually resulting in the entire audience and all of the officials leaving. The only person left at the end of the game, aside from the players, was Sarah Huckabee Sanders. When she reported that Mike Huckabee had won, everyone rightly took that to mean that Jason Rapert had won.

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