Wednesday, May 18, 2022

Collins Sneaks Past Davis, Stumbles Into Elite Eight Despite Himself

Oh, to be State Rep. Charlie Collins, a man who was going to run for Lt. Gov. a few years ago until other Republicans got in the race and who is too scared of losing his spot on the government teat to even run for State Senate. By all available metrics, he should have struggled against JaNan Arnold Davis, which is exactly what happened.

Davis — still apparently oblivious as to the actual rules of the game she was playing — jumped out to an early lead, as her opaque style of play left officials unable to keep any kind of eye on her. (Seriously…how long can a person go without doing the bare minimum that is required under the rules? How is this not a big deal? 1)

Collins, however, clawed his way back in this Tournament of Fools. Every time it looked like Davis was about to put him away, he would make a push like he was advancing a gun bill that literally no one but him and his idiot cronies supported. With time running down and the game tied at 8-8 (because both teams were inept), Collins called a play named “Reagan jobs magnet 7.62mm.” Davis, confused by her own failings, fouled Collins as he shot with no time left on the clock. Collins’ first free throw went wide and killed a spectator, but his second one — mirroring his life — somehow miraculously found the target and let him continue to the next round.

  1. Yes, that’s a teaser.

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  1. Yes, that’s a teaser.