Thursday, May 19, 2022

Rapert Hits Hail Mary To Defeat Graham

State Sen. Jason Rapert is largely seen as the odds-on favorite in this tournament, but he had to survive a scarily close contest with the ghost of Billy Graham. Rapert fell behind early, apparently believing that it is illegal for ghosts to play basketball. Once reminded that his own ignorant opinions of the law are not relevant, Rapert quickly righted the ship and used his well-known full-court idiocy to slow Graham and tie the game up with under 2 seconds to play. When Graham lost the ball out of bounds with 0.8 seconds on the clock, Rapert had one last chance and he heaved a prayer from 3/4 court that went through the net just as the buzzer went off. Said Rapert after the game, “I know the Lord Jesus Christ wants me to win this tournament, so I knew that shot would go in despite all the liberal lies about my ability to go long like that.”

Reached for comment in response to Rapert, Jesus said through spokesperson St. Peter, “Stanley? Never heard of him. He sounds like a douche, though.”

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